Pathetic Chick Musings or number 22

Pathetic chick musings
I'm so frustrated, both at myself and with you. You were supposed to just be a distraction, something to help numb the pain of my last attempt at love. Then I started to develop feelings for you, they scared me and I freaked out, but you promised me that I was safe. You promised that you were genuine and that you wouldn't just give me some cold and callous dump off in a couple of weeks, and yet here we are. It's so low what you are doing right now, the way you're acting. You kept saying to me, "careful, you might start to like me..." So you got what you wanted, I did start to like you, and care about you, and trust you, and want to spend my time with you...so then what, now that's not ok anymore?
I keep sending distressed pathetic texts, and fuck now I've called and left possibly the dumbest voicemail of all time. I swear these ideas sound good in my head, and I even attempt to think it through before I send, cause I know I'd be a much cooler person had I walked away 2 days ago, but then I go back and reread them in that awful voice you use to make fun of me and I know I sound like such a crazy person to you...and yet I can't stop. The silence drives me even crazier...it allows me to pretend that maybe you'll come around...if I can just find the right thing to say, maybe you'll tell me what I want to hear...
Why do I even care? I'm attractive, young, funny, interesting...I won't have any trouble finding someone else, a part of me knows this, and yet I don't want to let go and move on. It's only been a few weeks, in a lifetime that's really nothing I suppose, an insignificant number of days when you think about all we've done in the past year alone. I don't know you. I think I do to some extent, but lets be honest, everything you've ever told me could be a complete lie and vice versa. And for that matter, there's plenty about you that I flat out don't like, and try as I might to fixate on those things in an attempt to convince myself to maintain a shred of my dignity, it just makes me want you more.
Even as I put these thoughts on paper I see a logical answer, and yet I still feel sad. For hours at a time I feel ok and over the situation and then something pulls my thoughts back to you and the longing and loneliness washes over me and I feel helpless to the evil lure of the phone again. Thankfully you don't have a Facebook account, so really the only person torturing me with thoughts about you is my own self. I replay all the sweet moments of things you said and did and it makes me feel happy, cause I do feel blessed that despite the way things have turned out, you treated me well and made me feel special, and like I deserved to be treated that way, and that means something to me. Inspite of the pain I have felt over your rejection the past couple days, I know in a few more I'll eventually be over it and appreciative for the experiences.
The truth is, most of this is not really about you. You are merely a distraction from the things in my life I have not wanted to face or focus on. I'm lonely. For some reason I keep trying to fill that lonely void the quickest way I know how, by jumping into a relationship or trying to find approval or self worth through a guy, when in fact, I definitely have a lot of work to do on myself. Perhaps the universe is forcing me to be single and figure my life out, and though I have desperately tried to hold onto these relationships, I can't deny there has to be a reason why these things continue to fall apart before they ever really take off.
I'll be the first to admit, I am clueless about the dating scene, I've never had a serious boyfriend really, and I'm pretty sure I've never really been in love ( with someone who felt the same way about me ha ha). I guess my insecurities arise from the fear that there is something inherently wrong or unlovable about me, and everytime another burgeoning relationship fizzles out, those fears creep back into my mind.
I don't even know what I want, despite what you've seen of me I'm actually quite an independent person. So maybe this is the way it goes, I take these experiences, I use them for material for my writing, and I let go. Maybe I'm meant to just be single for a while...

Male Species Rant

                Why are Men so ridiculous? Allow me to rephrase that… why are BOYS so ridiculous? A Man knows how to treat a woman with respect; a boy chooses to hide like a coward when shit gets real. Maybe it’s Los Angeles, but the dudes here suck!

First of all, what ever happened to taking a girl out on a real date? Inviting a chick over to your apartment at 11 pm does not constitute dating Fellas… And furthermore, if you have the balls to ask a girl to come over that late, and she does, for heaven’s sake ask her to spend the night. Even a booty call should be treated with some respect, after all aren’t they doing your lazy ass a favor? I once had a guy ask me over at 2 am, and then follow up with informing me that I can’t stay too late because he’s tired. I don’t even know how to adequately express how rude and absurd that is. There is a reason you pay prostitutes, if you don’t want a woman to stay over, then by all means, hand her a hundo and call it a night. Otherwise, man up and show some appreciation for a woman giving you her time, energy, and body. Cuddle her and treat her right. Maybe you don’t want to date her, but if that’s the case, be up front and let her know before you sleep with her. Let her decide if she wants to be in a non-committal situation with you before you literally just fuck her over.

 

So you’ve started seeing a guy, and everything seems to be going great. You’re getting to know each other, discovering that you have all these things in common. You’re happy; it’s starting to feel like maybe this time things just might work out… and then Bam. Out of nowhere it all changes. Maybe it takes him a couple days of gradually paying less attention to you, or hell it happens at once… he just stops talking to you, completely and finally and without any warning. After a couple days of radio silence, and if you’re clueless like me, way too many unanswered text messages, the realization hits you… once again you have been dropped like a hot potato. Why do men think this is an acceptable way to end things with someone? This is mental torture for a woman! All we can think about is what the hell went wrong… was it me? Was I too this, or not enough that? If the truth is that we didn’t do anything, you’re just not into it any more, then say something. Have enough respect for the person who is trying to talk to you, to let them know it’s over, and offer some sort of explanation, even if it’s a lie. If you had the cajones to ask them out in the first place, then you need to muster up the courage to break things off in a mature way, period.

It’s simple really, be a freaking Man. Treat a woman with respect. Ask her on a date, and don’t treat her like a cheap hooker if she agrees to sleep with you. Be honest with your intentions and motives. If things just aren’t working out, for whatever reason, then grow a pair and let her know, don’t just leave her hanging in case you change your damn mind in a week. If you can’t be bothered to end things in a classy, respectful way, then don’t start them up in the first place!

Random drunk post

After a couple shots of store brand rum, and a glass of Andres, my roommate and I have come up with a brilliant idea. I don't want to say too much too soon, but I think we may just become millionaires by the age of 30...ok maybe that's the liquor speaking. Anyway, things are well on the home front, and though I have not posted since my initial foray into the blogosphere, I do have many interesting things to say...It's just that the booze has made all the characters sort of meld into one giant blur, and let's face it, spellcheck doesn't catch everything. In the spirit of safe blogging I will leave you here...oh and here's a completely gratuitous picture of my recent Newport Beach adventure...tales of debauchery to follow shortly.
As Always, Stay Salty
T

My First Post: An Introduction to My Life

Hellooo Internet nerds, trolls and pervs! Welcome to my humble little piece of cyberspace. Here is where I shall introduce myself and give qualifications as to why I am fit to share my infinite wisdom through the written word with anyone who may stumble upon this place. I am a 24 year old college student attending Cal State University, Los Angeles. After trialing and erroring a few other college campuses, I have finally landed in the City of Angels to complete my long awaited bachelors degree in Film and Television. Now is the time when I admit that my frivolous dream in life is to be a screenwriter. Why, you might ask, do I have such lofty ambitions? Well the answer is admittedly kind of douchey, but here goes...I think I'm funny...and clever...and smart? Now is the time when we take an awkward pause while I contemplate deleting that last sentence.
"They" say the best way to start writing is to write about what you know. I can't say I know too much about anything in particular, especially who "They" are, but my life is at times a cluster fuck of awkward, weird and somewhat interesting moments, and I figured I could write about those things. I am also, in theory, in the process of gleaning a higher education, so I suppose at times I may even have an actual piece of knowledge to share.
Which brings us to the focus of this blog. I suppose I should explain the title first. Well to restate the obvious, this blog is about my life and I live in the city of Los Angeles ( my neighborhood is another post for another day). Salty. I love this adjective. Those of you familiar with the tragically underrated movie, Jennifer's Body, will recognize the term. The screenplay was written by total bad ass Diablo Cody, who also got her start as a writer blogging.Epic...

So we'll see how this thing goes. I have never been known to be very successful at keeping up a diary or journal of any sorts, and this blog may very well be abandoned in a few weeks.
Only time will tell..
Until next time, T